I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
