My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
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I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
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I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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