I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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