Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
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