Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
