Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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