Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
