Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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