I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
