there's paper in my vomit.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
