my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God