I'm sorry my penis didn't work
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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