i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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