Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
