You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
