it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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