i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
