Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
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