U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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