I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
