the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
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I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
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So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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