So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
