Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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