My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
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