ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
be right there i have to get my cape
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
