i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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