I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
