dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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