Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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