a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
