Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
