I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
