By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
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Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
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He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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