you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
