Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
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I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
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Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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