my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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