I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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