well I can't set my house on fire every night
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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