new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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