The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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