There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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