how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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