Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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