Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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