I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
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He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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