I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It's official drugs can't kill me
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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