the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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