im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
