I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
And then he peed in my hair
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
