You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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