i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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