i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
