soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I need a burrito and a hug.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
