I accidentally burped into my bong.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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