haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
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